Circle of Life

Today marks one year since the gift of time ran out, and we lost my Mommom to cancer. Not long ago, I was advised, "The first year after losing a loved one is the most difficult."

With the loss of a loved one, life abruptly changes. It is categorized. Suddenly there is a before, and there is an after. Time becomes measured in weeks, months, and years. I assume it is accurate to an extent. There are first holidays and special occasions without the person we love. Yet, it is the little day-to-day moments missing from our life, which become the most significant reminders of the poignantly palpable void.

Brady and I discussed a conversation between him and his boyfriend, Mario, about getting a pet. While Mario is an animal lover, his hesitation stems from growing attached and the pet passing. Brady's reply was simple, "It's the circle of life."

I was telling Chris a few days ago, "I wish I could go back to a year ago, to immediately after my Mommom passed. I was numb, busy making videos and arranging flowers." I would give anything to return to the days before the hollowness inside my heart seemed like a vast chasm. There is an ache that time has not softened, a cloud of coldness over the world that the brightest sun does not warm, an emptiness which nothing fills. It can all be summed up in one mere word...grief...the price of completely loving another living soul.

Jayde captured this priceless moment. It was the last time my Mommom was lucid before she passed, and this was the last hug she ever gave me.

The unexpected twist and turns of the past year have made grieving more difficult. I am not sure what phase I am even in at this point. There are moments where none of this feels real, like a few months back when my mother called while she was at Mommom’s house and her phone number showed on the caller ID. For a brief second, I forgot, and then I remembered.

Regardless of how busy I am, I miss her beautiful smile. I miss her voice calling out my name, her phone calls for no apparent reason except she loved us. I miss her presence. I just miss her.

Brady's reply about the circle of life was correct. We are born, we live, and eventually, we all die. Except, the circle of life would not have much meaning without the precious people we love filling our circle.