Showing posts from 2017

A Mother's Journey through Bi-polar Disorder and Addiction

Last spring, I wrote a piece chronicling the journey of my daughter's illness with POTS. After publishing it, my son lightheartedly commented, "Now it is time to write about our journey." I cringed because there was nothing lighthearted about our journey. I uttered the truth from within my heart, "I am not sure I can." While I knew I could write something, I was keenly aware of the deep trauma still tucked right below the surface. I was emotionally raw and drained from the events of the past year. If I was not careful, I was keenly aware that a volcanic disaster of pain, remorse, and regret would come spewing out, and no one could halt the explosion.  I wrestled with the uncertainty of where my writing would take us. I was unsure if we were ready to revisit the past scars jointly, knowing I would open fresh wounds and possibly old ones as well. Was Brady prepared to read my thoughts? If he was, how would he feel when I was done? As difficult as the pas

It's On Us

I am sure this will piss off someone, but I am tired of being politically correct and am at the point where I do not give a damn who I piss here goes. Unlike Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer was already a household name across America. Like most people, I woke up to the news of his overdue termination from NBC. To #NBC and the #Todayshow , kudos for finally doing what you should have done years ago. I was not shocked or surprised, only because I typically have a sixth sense regarding abusive individuals. The sight of Matt Lauer consistently made my radar go into overdrive. Only if I had this innate sense in my teenage years or my twenties; then again, the experiences from those days probably heightened this ability in the first place. The ability to sit in a room and sense an individual's depravity, lurking right below the surface; the ability to sense their face is the mask, hiding the monster within. What surprises me are the comments from individuals on social media. Comme

The October Slide

There it is, that all too familiar sound once again. With the knowledge that there is little I can do but hold her hair out of the way and gently rub her back, I jump to my feet. I am at a loss to help her, but at least I feel like I am doing something. I wait for her to finish so I can empty her metal trash can and disinfect it. I have lost count of how many times I have done this in the past few hours. She looks up at me from the floor with her dull, darkened eyes as her lifeless voice mutters, "I feel like I am dying." Hearing those words prompts my heart to sink a little further. I personally know her pain, but I am helpless to remedy her suffering. Somberly, I reply, "I know, Sweetie." These episodes always seem to begin late in the evening. Jakers and Georgie, two of our furbabies, hear the unnatural noises coming from Jayde's bedroom at 2 A.M., and they come to investigate. It is like a distress signal. They are there to comfort her, remaining by her side

The Beginning of Jayde's Journey-Part Two

October 26, 2016 Homecoming, coupled with the change in weather, sent Jayde's POTS into a tailspin. No matter how sick she has felt, she has attempted to work on her writing and schoolwork almost every day. She spent the good part of her birthday violently ill, hugging a trash can for seven hours, with her resting heart rate hovering at 160 BPM. Watching all this unfold and the resistance from some of her teachers to recognize her ADA 504 plan prompted the following thoughts this morning.  Humans are creatures of habit. Most individuals do not welcome change with open arms. It is not a character flaw. It is simply the way we were created. Reflecting on the past several years, I see life has become a proverbial rollercoaster, with peaks and valleys and unexpected twists and turns. We have mastered the art of riding the peaks and work hard to find the silver linings when we are in the valleys. However, sometimes, the unexpected twists and turns can be challenging to navigate, and I w

The Beginning of Jayde's Journey

This post was written in the summer of 2016. It is the beginning of Jayde's Journey. Little did I know when I wrote it that POTS should have been the least of our worries, but each time I read it, so much makes sense. I was sitting in my kitchen, talking with two dear friends, and they encouraged me to share the recent journey our family has experienced. From this conversation, I knew I needed to share Jayde's journey. Thus, #jrsjourney grew wings. This post is a mother's/caregiver's view of what living with POTS is like. I once believed our journey began the first week of November 2009, when Jayde became ill with the Swine Flu, but the swine flu only made the invisible more visible. Jayde was two when she had her first migraine. When I was six, I encountered my first one. So, I knew how debilitating and horrible they were. At first, the thought that she could be experiencing a migraine at the age of two did not seem possible. Until she said, "Mommy, turn out the l
  Have you ever given notion to the idea that a word could be beautiful? For me, that word is Serendipitous. The word has an air of grace and elegance as it flows off the tongue, but it is not only the word. The simple definition of the word—serendipitous means: to find something good or beautiful when you are not looking for it. As parents, I think we are so busy with life that sometimes we tend to have our controls set on autopilot without any realization...until something forces us to stop and take inventory of our world around us. I know I have personally experienced this autopilot phenomenon more times than I would like to admit.  My mind has been consumed with a lot of fears this past year. Worrying about Brady, his mental health, and sobriety, in addition to the normal things you consider when your child is grown and living on their own for the first time. Jayde's health has not been good. Her POTS continues to spin out of control, and I worry about her future.