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Showing posts from July, 2018

When Giving Up Is Not An Option

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There they are, the words I am not supposed to utter. Nonetheless, the unspeakable phrase comes rushing out of my mouth, much like a dam that has broken. The peacefulness of acceptance is waning today. Fortunately, my daughter and I are at opposite ends of the house, she is safely out of earshot when I screech, “I GIVE UP!” I am unable to re-cork my explosion of  words. Instantly regretting my emotionally charged outburst, as it becomes a cloud of guilt cascading over me like a waterfall. Though it can be daunting, caring for a chronically ill child requires you to keep your wits and maintain composure whenever possible. You learn to master the art of squashing, the varying emotions, deep below the surface. Even when it feels almost impossible, somehow you learn to figure it out and it becomes your new norm. I walk out onto our deck, allowing the necessary tears to fall, collecting myself before I re-enter our home. A  few days before my outburst I sat in our living room, with my ph

Acceptance is a Peaceful State of Mind

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I am lying in bed trying to wake up. I grab my phone and browse over my calendar. The last few months have been a whirlwind...I have always relied on my calendar...though lately, I could not tell you the day without its assistance. I am submerged in a deep haze. Our schedule for the next ten days is overwhelming. What was I thinking of scheduling two major doctor’s appointments on the same day?!? The simple answer, I wasn't. To the Super Moms who do it all, are beautifully put together, your homes are clean, and dinner is on the table at 6 P.M. every day...I applaud you. I also wonder when you sleep and if you are actually human. My feet hit the floor, yet all I want to do is crawl back in my bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep away the grief...praying when I wake up, this ache in the pit of my stomach, and the accompanying heaviness that begins from the top of my head down to my toes will have magically disappeared. I have said it before, when someone you love dies, life