Why?

 

For survivors, the world feels heavy right now, like a weight is sitting on our chest and we are struggling to breathe. If this is you, you are not alone. I made the conscious decision to not read all the disturbing facts of the Epstein files. It was a proactive choice in order to protect my mental and emotional health. Today, I read a few pages while scrolling through social media. It was a huge error in judgement on my part. Everything I read made the worst horror movie ever released look like an episode of Sesame Street. 

The “releasing” of the Epstein files has left many people with more questions than answers. Regrettably, it is my personal experiences that instilled in me the belief that the Jeffrey Epsteins, Ghislane Maxwells, Bill Cosbys, Joe Paternos, Larry Nassars, P. Diddys, R. Kellys, and Harvey Weinsteins of this world are a dime a dozen. What do all these individuals have in common? They are all narcissistic, sadistic, entitled, powerful men and women convicted of sexual assault.

In November, I watched sexual assault survivors and victims of systemic abuse, at the hands of Epstein and his many associates, stand on Capitol Hill, holding photos of themselves, recounting their stories. Stating they were fighting for their fourteen and fifteen-year-old selves. I cried, understanding that every time I tell my story and speak out, it is for the fifteen-year-old version of me who had no one to protect her. I was hopeful that the release of the Epstein files would be thorough and justice would be swift, but then I sadly remembered power corrupts. The first report regarding Jeffrey Epstein was filed in 1996, when Bill Clinton was in office. Nothing was done. There have been four sitting Presidents, five if you count the current term, since Clinton left the White House. Reports and updates have been filed during each of these presidencies, yet the victims are no closer to justice. Why?

I am keenly aware that our world is a place where victims are criticized, condemned, judged, ostracized, penalized, and demonized—but, rarely, if ever, believed. Perpetrators, abusers, pedophiles, and rapists, individuals who should be considered the most depraved our society has to offer, are protected and given the benefit of the doubt. It does not matter whether there is irrefutable proof in audio, video, black-and-white, or Technicolor—perpetrators are still protected. Why?

Victims are continuously subjected to irrational interrogation: What were you wearing? How much did you drink? Why didn’t you call for help? Why did you invite him into your home? Why didn’t you fight him off? Meanwhile, their assailant is never hit with the real questions that should be asked. Why didn’t you stop when she said no? Why did you spike her drink? Why did you beat her up? Why did you assault a minor? Why did you rape her? Why is the victim always blamed? Why?

To compound the trauma and damage inflicted, society as a whole is numb to the brutality, demanding silence from victims because to hear the atrocities demands acknowledgement, and acknowledgement makes them uncomfortable. Acknowledgement shatters the little bubble in which they believe this world is the safe place they have conjured in their small minds. So they complain because they don't want to hear anything about the abundance of heinous depravity ir they sit in silence pretending it doesn't exist. Why?

What society fails to understand is that a victim and survivors most powerful tool on their path to healing is their voice. A voice that should never be silenced. Thankfully, we live in an era where victims refuse to be quiet. They are bravely using their voices to denounce these horrible crimes and culture. Still, it feels like it does not matter because many men continue to protect and promote the misogynistic atmosphere that has created the problem by not using their voices. They claim, “I’m not like that,” yet they choose to remain complicit and laugh at the lewd jokes made at a woman’s expense. Even if they are uncomfortable. They stay silent when they hear questionable stories in the locker room or on the golf course about their buddy’s coercive or non-consensual “hook-up.” Even if they are uncomfortable. To recap, victims sharing their stories make people uncomfortable, but rape culture doesn’t. Why?

Instead of wishing for the truth to be covered up and silenced, maybe it’s time to be the change this world needs, because if perpetrators, abusers, pedophiles, and rapists cease to exist, so do the countless stories from victims that make people uncomfortable. Problem solved.

A few days ago, I watched a video where the woman stated, “You don’t need to raise your daughters to be sweet and kind. Raise them to have a spine. Keep your daughters safe, and raise them to be feral.” The meaning of that statement might be unclear to some people, but I felt it in my bones. I wish I didn’t understand it. I wish I never had to make her aware of the hoorors of this world, but I’m glad I did. I told Jayde about the video, and she said, “Yes, you did!” But I still wish it had never been necessary. Why should we need to raise our daughters to survive in a world full of Epsteins and Weinsteins?

My final questions: Why is an individual uncomfortable hearing about the atrocities that women have endured for centuries, yet they remain silent, doing nothing to end the violence and brutality? How are the hundreds of individuals listed in these files still walking around free when the powers that be gave been aware of this cartel of depravity for thirty years? Someone, please explain to me how any of this makes sense.

For the individuals who get annoyed by having to endure another news cycle surrounding the Epstein files and feel the urge to complain, “Isn’t THIS over yet?” Stop to consider this: Someday, this will be over. For you, it will be pushed to the recesses of your mind. The Epstein files will be buried beneath billions of articles on the internet. Something else will take its place. However, for the thousands of victims, THIS will truly never be over.

Me at fifteen