Why?

 

For survivors, the world feels heavy right now, like a weight is sitting on our chest, and we are struggling to breathe. If this is you, you are not alone. I made the conscious decision not to read all the disturbing facts in the Epstein files. It was a proactive choice to protect my mental and emotional health. Scrolling through social media, I read a few pages. It was a colossal error in judgment on my part. Now I don't need to read them as snippets are released across social media. Everything I read and hear makes the worst horror movie ever released look like an episode of Sesame Street. The eerie silence surrounding these files and the lack of justice are precisely why victims do not come forward. I have no doubt the elite echelon that comprises the satanic pedophile ring led by Jeffrey Epstein was counting on that fact.

The “releasing” of the Epstein files has left many people with more questions than answers. Regrettably, it is my personal experiences that instilled in me the belief that the Jeffrey Epsteins, Ghislane Maxwells, Bill Cosbys, Joe Paternos, Larry Nassars, P. Diddys, R. Kellys, and Harvey Weinsteins of this world are a dime a dozen. What do all these individuals have in common? They are all narcissistic, sadistic, entitled, powerful men and women convicted of sexual assault.

In November, I watched sexual assault survivors and victims of systemic abuse, at the hands of Epstein and his many associates, stand on Capitol Hill, holding photos of themselves, recounting their stories. Stating they were fighting for their fourteen and fifteen-year-old selves. I felt their pain. More importantly, I felt their courage screaming, "You did your worst, but you did not break me." I cried, knowing that every time I tell my story and speak out, it is for the fifteen-year-old version of myself who had no one to protect her. I was hopeful that the release of the Epstein files would be thorough and justice would be swift. Then, I sadly remembered that absolute power corrupts absolutely, and there is no doubt our government is absolutely corrupt. The smoke-and-mirrors game is infuriating.

The first report regarding Jeffrey Epstein was filed in 1996, when Bill Clinton was in office. Nothing was done. There have been four sitting Presidents, five if you count the current term, since Clinton left the White House. Reports and updates have been filed over the past 30 years of these presidencies, yet, besides Epstein and Maxwell, victims are no closer to justice. Why?

I am keenly aware that our world is a place where victims are criticized, condemned, judged, ostracized, penalized, and demonized—but, rarely, if ever, believed. Perpetrators, abusers, pedophiles, and rapists, individuals who should be considered the most depraved our society has to offer, are protected and given the benefit of the doubt. It does not matter whether there is irrefutable proof in audio, video, black-and-white, or Technicolor—perpetrators are still protected. Why?

Why is the victim always blamed? Victims are continuously subjected to irrational interrogation: What were you wearing? How much did you drink? Why didn’t you call for help? Why did you invite him into your home? Why didn’t you fight him off? Meanwhile, their assailant is never hit with the fundamental questions that should be asked. Why didn’t you stop when she said no? Why did you spike her drink? Why did you beat her up? Why did you assault a minor? Why did you rape her? Why?

To compound the trauma and damage inflicted, society as a whole is numb and disconnected to the brutality, demanding silence from victims because to hear the atrocities demands acknowledgement, and acknowledgement makes them uncomfortable. If this horror story does not make you uncomfortable, I have to ask why?

The average American chooses not to read the Epstein files, except it's not because the horrors remind them of a past they have spent a lifetime trying to overcome. No, this is about acknowledgement. Acknowledgement shatters the little bubble in which they believe this world is the safe place they have conjured in their small minds. Instead of acknowledging it, they complain because they don't want to hear anything about the abundance of heinous depravity, wishing for silence and pretending none of this is real. How did we as a society become this? Why?

To wish for the victim's silence is to wish for them not to exist. What society fails to understand is that a victim and survivor's most powerful tool on their path to healing is their voice. A voice that should never be silenced. Thankfully, we live in an era where victims refuse to be quiet. They are bravely using their voices to denounce these sadistic crimes inflicted on children and young women. Still, there is an overwhelming feeling that all the voices of the world do not matter, because many men continue to protect and promote the misogynistic atmosphere that has created the problem by not using their voices. They claim, “I’m not like that,” yet they choose to remain complicit and laugh at the lewd jokes made at a woman’s expense. Even if they are uncomfortable. They stay silent when they hear questionable stories in the locker room or on the golf course about their buddy’s coercive or non-consensual “hook-up.” Even if they are uncomfortable. To recap, victims sharing their stories make people uncomfortable, but rape culture doesn’t. Why?

Instead of wishing for the truth to be covered up and silenced, maybe it’s time to be the change this world needs, because if perpetrators, abusers, pedophiles, and rapists cease to exist, so do the countless stories from victims that make people uncomfortable. Problem solved.

I was taught to be polite and mind my manners. To be seen and not heard. To go with the flow and not rock the boat. A few days ago, I watched a video where the woman stated, “You don’t need to raise your daughters to be sweet and kind. Raise them to have a spine. Keep your daughters safe, and raise them to be feral.” The meaning of that statement might be unclear to some people, but I felt it in my bones. I wish I didn’t understand it. I wish, oh how I wish, I'd been raised to be feral. I wish I never had to make Jayde aware of the horrors of this world, but I’m glad I did. I told her about the video, and she said, “Yes, you did!” Why should we need to raise our daughters to survive in a world full of Epsteins and Weinsteins? Why should we need to raise our daughters to be feral? Why?

My final questions: Why is an individual uncomfortable hearing about the atrocities that women have endured for centuries, yet they remain silent, doing nothing to end the violence and brutality? How are the hundreds of individuals listed in these files still walking around free when the powers that be have been aware of this cartel of depravity for thirty years? There is anger for everything under the sun in this country, but where is the anger for the current bottomless pit of depravity? Someone, please, explain to me how any of this makes sense.

For the callous individuals annoyed by having to endure another news cycle surrounding the Epstein files and feel the urge to complain, “Isn’t THIS over yet?” or "It's time to move on to something else,"  stop to consider this: Someday, this will be over. For you, it will be pushed to the recesses of your mind. The Epstein files will be buried beneath billions of articles on the internet. Something else will take its place. However, for the thousands of victims who survived, THIS will truly never be over.

Me at fifteen